When I first learned about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems during my Wim Hof Method training, fertility was the last thing on my mind.
I wasn’t thinking about fatherhood yet. I didn’t even know many people who were trying to start a family.
At the time, my focus was simple:
- manage my own stress better, and
- improve my health.
And I learned both by exposing myself to ice-cold water — gradually, of course.
The cold taught me how the body reacts to stress.
How it shuts down anything non-essential when survival feels at stake.
And how that same survival mode can quietly take over our lives.
Years later, when I began coaching a couple struggling to conceive, I started to recognize those same patterns.
They weren’t “doing anything wrong.”
Their bodies were just stuck in sympathetic overdrive — the fight-or-flight state that makes the body choose survival over reproduction.
The deeper I went into the fertility space, the more I noticed that nearly every provider mentioned stress as a culprit.
But very few helped people understand — or resolve — the root cause of that stress.
That realization changed everything for me.
It became the starting point of my mission:
to help power couples lower their stress levels and create the foundation for a chill family.
A Revealing Discovery
What surprised me most was this: while almost every fertility expert talked about “stress reduction,” very few addressed why people were stressed in the first place.
I found plenty of good suggestions — and I still love many of them:
- meditation
- breathing exercises
- herbal teas
- supplements like CoQ10 to reduce oxidative stress
- walks in nature
- spending time with friends
- hobbies
- evening routines
- EFT (tapping)
They all help.
But there’s a missing piece.
Most of these methods rely on doing something to feel better — and that means they depend on willpower.
And willpower runs out.
The real source of stress is often much deeper: the neural pathways and emotional memories in our brain that shape our behavior and decisions — even when we think we’re in control.
Why Good Advice Often Doesn’t Stick
If nature walks and meditation videos are good for us, why don’t we do them more often?
Because something deeper is running the show.
We can tell ourselves to relax, to take breaks, to eat well… but our subconscious habits — shaped over decades — often override that logic.
Think about it:
your brain and body like predictability. They prefer the familiar, even if it’s uncomfortable. That’s why older people often have such fixed routines. The neurons that fire together stay together.
So we repeat the same patterns — not because we’re lazy, but because our nervous system equates familiarity with safety.
The good news?
We can change those pathways.
When we create new neural connections, the impossible suddenly feels doable.
What once felt like “this is just who I am” becomes “maybe I could try it differently.”
And that’s where transformation begins.
The Control Trap
Back to my coaching days.
I noticed that power couples under high fertility stress often fell into a pattern I knew all too well: trying to control everything.
They track every temperature change, analyze every meal, follow strict supplement schedules, and meticulously plan intercourse.
But the more they tried to control the outcome, the more stressed they became.
And that stress sent a clear signal to the body:
“We’re not safe.”
When the nervous system senses danger, reproduction becomes a luxury it can’t afford.
That’s when I started to introduce a different question:
“What can you do differently if it doesn’t work this time?”
Because you can’t control the outcome — but you can control your response.
And that shift alone can free your nervous system from constant threat mode.
The Fears Nobody Talks About
When I ask power couples what stresses them most, the surface answers disappear quickly — and the deeper fears come out:
- “It might never work.”
- “My family expects me to get pregnant, and I might disappoint them.”
- “If it doesn’t happen, I’ll grow old and die alone.”
- “My partner might leave me because I can’t give them a baby.”
Those are big fears — and they’re real.
But what actually spikes cortisol every day isn’t usually those fears themselves.
It’s the smaller, repetitive patterns of self-neglect that come from trying to cope:
- Working 70-hour weeks
- Binge-watching to escape stress
- Skipping meals or sleep
- Using caffeine and sugar as fuel
- Telling yourself you’ll rest “after this project”
These habits seem harmless, but they keep your body in low-grade stress all day long.
And your body doesn’t compartmentalize stress.
To your nervous system, emotional, physical, and mental stress are all the same signal: danger.
When we address the emotional root that drives those behaviors, the stress response often eases on its own.
The Silent Rebellion
Not all stress comes from overwork or habits.
Sometimes, it’s an inner conflict.
I’ve met people who outwardly followed family expectations about having children but inwardly felt resistance.
They weren’t consciously against becoming parents — but part of them didn’t feel ready, safe, or free to make that choice.
“My dad always wanted me to have a kid, but I’m not ready. So on the outside I obey, but inside I resist — quietly.”
The body becomes the battlefield for that unspoken tension.
And often, the person already knows it.
It’s just never been said out loud.
Sometimes the things we don’t voice are exactly what keep us stuck.
The Way to Uncover Hidden Stress
When your body doesn’t allow pregnancy, it’s often not betraying you — it’s protecting you.
It senses there’s too much going on and that the resources for growth aren’t yet available.
That said, I’m careful with my words.
If someone is truly infertile due to a medical condition, telling them “your body is being wise” can feel dismissive and damaging.
That’s why I never impose my view.
Instead, I ask:
“What stresses you most right now?”
From there, we uncover the emotional charge underneath.
Sometimes it’s fear of losing independence, changing identity, or outgrowing friendships.
Once that charge softens, the body feels safer.
And safety is what the nervous system needs before it can shift from survival to creation.
Whether you’re stepping into cold water or trying to conceive — your body must first feel safe enough to thrive, not just survive.
The Body Whispers Before It Screams
Looking back at my burnout at 26, I wish I had understood this much earlier.
It wasn’t my schedule that broke me — it was what was driving it.
Back then, I was working in banking, studying for my Bachelor’s degree, learning Chinese, and preparing for the CAIA exam.
I wanted to achieve a lot — fast.
Too much, as it turned out.
I thought I was chasing success.
But what I was really seeking was the feeling behind success — a sense of worth, freedom, and peace.
I just didn’t know it.
Instead, I worked harder and enjoyed life less.
And when I ignored my body’s whispers, it eventually had to scream — through panic attacks and burnout.
Now I know:
when the body feels safe, it naturally restores balance.
It activates the vagus nerve, slows the heart, and quiets the fight-or-flight response.
To live in harmony with it, I need to listen to what my emotions are trying to tell me. My emotions are not obstacles — they’re signals.
And learning to listen changed everything.
What Actually Changes
When people resolve inner conflicts, their outer world shifts — without forcing it.
Relationships improve first.
There’s more acceptance, softer communication, and forgiveness.
Body language opens up, and conversations feel lighter.
The topic that used to dominate every thought — fertility, control, “what if it fails again?” — begins to fade into the background.
Not because it stops mattering, but because it’s no longer consuming their energy.
I witness people reclaim their calm, their connection, their life.
And honestly, that transformation often matters even more than any single outcome.
Because when you’re no longer consumed by stress, you get your whole life back.
Beyond Mental Interference
If there’s one thing I want people to understand about their body, it’s this:
Letting go is what it needs most.
Even if it feels difficult.
The body doesn’t require constant mental micromanagement — it needs safety.
Moderate daily stress, good sleep, nourishing food, the right amount of movement, and time to recover.
There’s a great book called Your Body Is Your Brain that shows just how intelligent your body already is.
Your body handles millions of processes every second without your conscious control.
So instead of trying to outthink it — trust it.
Create the conditions for safety.
Remove the unnecessary pressure.
The body knows what to do from there.
Listening to the Whispers
One in six people worldwide struggles with fertility.
But maybe the struggle isn’t with their reproductive system.
Maybe it’s with learning to listen to what the body has been whispering all along.
Sometimes the wisest thing your body can do is wait — until it feels safe enough to create new life.
Whether you’re trying to conceive or just feeling stuck in another area of life, remember this: your body isn’t broken. It’s maybe just protective.
And sometimes, the most radical thing you can do is trust its wisdom.
If this resonated with you, or if you feel overwhelmed trying to control every variable on your fertility journey — reach out.
Sometimes having someone help you unpack what’s really creating pressure makes all the difference.
Stay chill — and listen before your body has to scream.